Please pause. No need to scroll down to find the sad story. It doesn't exist. As you choose to pause, what do you notice? Close your eyes. What do you notice? Name what you notice. If you notice what you typically refer to as 'distracted', can you name what distracted feels like in your body? 'Brain is busy', 'Heart is fast', 'Mind - relentless'. Name what you notice in your skin. Is it 'buzzing'? Is it thumping? Does it feel 'alive'? Or is it just enough. Name what you notice in your muscles. Do you notice your thighs, hips and bottom? Your shoulders? Upper back? Is your face tense? Are your eyebrows scrunching toward one another? Do your muscles feel tight or loose? heavy or light? busy or calm? Notice your gut, your belly. Is it comfortable or uncomfortable? Does the area feel open and growing, or tight and constricted? Does it feel empty, full, or both? Notice your heart. Fast or slow? Calm or busy? Just enough? Notice your mind. Fast or slow? Cruel or kind? Calm or busy? Just enough?
As a school social worker for the last eight years, and a teacher for eight years prior to that, I have come to have a very strong, visceral reaction to email titled 'sad news'. My reaction is linked to the assumption that 'Sad news' is code for 'student death by suicide'. Although, the message never states the cause of death. Suicide must somehow be connected to the concept of 'failure' - assumed failure on behalf of the living: the embedded systems or individuals of those systems. As a system, 'school' is in opposition to failure. The goal is to not fail.
It may seem that we feel such pressure to not have a child die by suicide that we will do more and more risk assessment and more and more hospitalization, and more and more CYA (cover your ass) that we get further and further away from really being present and meeting this idea of what it must feel like to desire to die. It's a feeling, maybe it doesn't have to be a curse. Instead of suicide completion, or homicide - the desire to kill another (which moves beyond the subtlety of 'Sad news' to national news), being this monster in the closet that gets bigger and bigger as we keep the door shut - perhaps we can open the closet door and slowly, intentionally release the power of this dark energy.
Over the last three years I have been 'playing' with various lessons and curriculum ideas that highlight this inner world which is rich with resources. Awareness of our own nature allows us to connect to nature and its natural intelligence - full of beauty, creativity, and possibility...Just. Like. Us.
As I prepare for a new school year, I found these 'quotes' I had scratched down on a piece of paper. If you are familiar with schools, the 'I Am' poem tends to be a popular activity for kids. Several years ago now, my niece created her I Am poem. I laughed as it repeated, 'I Am awesome and good with duck tape'. As I read her poem, it reminded me of the way I feel about all students: all that matters is the I Am. That you exist. Your inherent worth and dignity comes complete in your human existence. When I read her poem I claimed, 'This is going to be the title of my book some day: I Am Awesome and Good with Duck Tape'. Well, I shortened it as a blog: I Am. (awesome). The I Am has become my descriptive title for the inner space. The space where creativity, possibility, and inspiration live. When I teach I Am. I bring awareness to the period (.) and the space that comes after the period (. ). We can reclaim our personal power when we can stop after the I Am. and then enter the space where we remember we are creativity, we are possibility, we are inspiration. We are...enough.
In every human being there lies a higher level of consciousness that is deeper than the movement of thought.
I Am. The observer.
When it is experienced there is a deep feeling of inner peace.
I Am. Enough.
We are at risk of living our lives as if our identity lies in the movement of thought.
I Am.
We tap into the deeper level of consciousness only in the present moment.
When I sit with someone whose desire is to die, the only thing I know to do is to sit with them. To be present with them. To validate that this is how they feel. When I do this, eventually there is some space.
